7/21/17 - Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets (2017) - 2+/3-/10

Boring. Uninteresting. Simplistic script with vacantly saccharine and dismal dialogue delivered by inanimate drones and even less animated CGI filler. This was a visual spectacle that shoots its wad less than 20 minutes into the film, leaving us unfulfilled, limp, and inert for the entirety of your soon-to-be-loathed time in-the theater.

Couldn’t have cast a couple with less charisma and chemistry. DeHaan and Delevingne are the D Duo of Dullness. The rest of the cast doesn’t contribute much either. Clive Owen phones it in with next to no energy while Ethan Hawke is ramped-up and spaced out without working in the slightest. When Rhianna is the character highlight, and maybe the high point of the entire film, there is a major problem. 

Sure there is flash and imagination. There was a lot of money paid to animators to fling at the screen, like some viscous green ooze from a 90's Nickelodeon game show. But, there was nothing to it or behind it. A big budget mega long Dr. Who episode without the wit, emotion, or purpose. 

It is pure cinematic cotton candy - sweet nothingness that rots your teeth, designed for the basest of audience, appears exotic but only makes a mess, and doesn't taste that good in the first place. First time in a long while where I thought about walking out of this laborious screening.