1/12/2017 - The Great Wall (2016) – 2+/10

A brain-dead historical action set-piece come to the screen, full length. Focusing more on Legolas-level archery ridiculousness than anything resembling plot or motivation. A paint-by-colors, “story in less than a paragraph”, CGI spectacle of dumb proportions. It’s Hobbit meats Hero, without a reasonable baseline for storytelling, character or grit.

You may like “the action”, but beside some bizarre large-scale monster killing racket and the outlines of glossy ancient Chinese sets/costumes, there is nothing much of value. Matt Damon numbly hits his marks and states his inane dialogue, unable to breathe anything into this void of tale. The worst bit of this entire film is its lack of stakes or point. You could say that “the world was at stake”, but let’s be real (something this film has no concept of), I never worried for the characters or the larger scale action thrills. It all felt like mindless green screen flash and uninterested storytelling.

Never-the-less, not looking that pretty or captivating, the whole mess is boring and lifeless, from each line spoken, every arrow flung, every poorly rendered (and never really explained) creature effect, and your overall attitude when it is done. Though, that might not be wholly accurate. You should at least be satisfied that your phoned in Two Towers of China dreck is over.