10/18/19 - Aladdin (2019) - 2+/3-/10

Would you like an extraordinary flashy, preternaturally stale, dead-behind-the-eyes cash grab that, beyond the scale of mere human understanding, manages to strip out the joy and magic from one of your beloved childhood faves? Well, you are in luck. Unfortunately, that makes one of us.

Soulless is a near perfect word, not only symbolizing the stripping of the ineffable wonder that made the original so fun and enduring, but also junking  up so much of the other elements. The direction and editing is garish and obtrusive, without signifying anything. The bulk of the actors and singers (Scott’s Jasmine being the lone light of any brilliance) bring nothing  of charisma or charm (Aladdin is a snore, Jafar is a bore, the sultan is a chore, and Will Smith...well, if he isn’t getting on your nerves then he is somehow expunging the pathos from Robin Williams animated genie performance, eliminating anything to adore). The CGI was completely non-immersive and clunkily present, from the ridiculously in-front-of-green screen magic carpet ride to the lifeless monkey.

Other than a surprisingly bright spot with the Man From U.N.C.L.E., how many more chances do we give Guy Ritchie. As  director or producer, it has been a decade of refuse. Aladdin, Robin Hood, King Arthur, Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadow… and that isn’t even counting Swept Away from just a bit earlier (talk about an all-time stinker). I can’t stand his hectic style, limp storytelling and general poor performances he produces. No more for me.

I can’t imagine a soul who would ingest this and not almost immediately say “Man, this isn’t good. I want to watch the original. I sure do love those songs and that film.” I was hoping that it might be bad enough to go around the bend and have fun with. Alas, it was mediocre and dull to the point of losing interest. I can’t even say that I hated it because that would mean that it had to generate some sort of intense emotion. It did not.