Hellboy (2019) - 3+/10

Unnecessary, unwanted, and ultimately, unsatisfactory, unfortunately. This was a completely lifeless venture, performing more like a cinematic zombie; going through the motions with a life-like accuracy but providing none of the verve or worth necessary to pass off as alive. Hellboy just really brought nothing to the table and even for the most hardcore Mignola fan, save yourself from your own hell and leave this one banished in the pits.

Harbour wasn’t bad as the titular boy from Hell, but never did I feel the adventure, sympathy, or humor. A lot of that is the script. I don’t know the last time I saw a film trying so hard to be funny and quippy and not landing a single one. Not a laugh, not a chuckle, hell, not even a smile. None of the constant spew of dialogue from Harbour brought any funny and the other vital emotional elements to make this story pop. The characters, like the inert words on the page, the comatose action, and the mediocre CGI simply delivered nothing and didn’t work.

McShane was a weird Professor Broom. More a studios Deadwood’s Al Swearengen than a caring old paranormal wallflower. That doesn’t have to be a bad thing, but it felt more indicative of the whole, in which they attempted to “R up” the movie to make it more “flashy & exciting”. From the opening dialogue, we get consistent F-bombs and pretty constant gratuitous computer gore that really doesn’t elevate anything. Perhaps they were trying to jazz it up for the youth or the hardcore horror audience, but it didn’t pack a horrific punch or provide weight. Like too much of this film, it just lingered on the screen.

There are films that are aggravatingly bad, like a BvS that just get under your skin and actively make you unhappy. Hellboy isn’t that. Rather, it breeds no antipathy, but rather sows the seeds of apathy, producing bitter and unsavory fruit. Hellboy is an ideal feature of uncaring and listlessness, full of overstated events but with no real stakes at all. It wants to be liked, with its uncharacteristic adultness or its overly rambunctious slamming pop soundtrack or its need to throw element after unexplored element into the fray just to “do” as much as possible. None of it works as it all becomes logs on the flames, resulting in a hazy muddled smoke of a franchise never-to-be.

• I will say that Church’s Lobster Johnson appearance was the best part of this film. Had the fun, camp and tone for a Hellboy film. One of the nice additions from the mythos to the big screen.